I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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