I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
