the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
