xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
