There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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