i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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