Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
