who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
