mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
