My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
