I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
