I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
