I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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