You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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