I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
