Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
