Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
