Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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