just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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