My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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