Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
