just come out here and I will go home with you...
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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