Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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