Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
