If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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