I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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