I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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