i jhust puked up my retainher.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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