New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize