Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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