I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
