I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Ladies don't puke and tell
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
