im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
