while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
