4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
