Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
