Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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