I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
