He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
