I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
