My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
