therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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