before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
