"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
