I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
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Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize