Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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