I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
