Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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