He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
