he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
