Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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