capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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