I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
