Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
