i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize