He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
