so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
