I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We are two peas in an std pod
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
