No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
