whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
