OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Soap is not a condiment
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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