He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
